I WROTE POETRY! I applied for a writing assignment, and they sent me back this insane writing test, a series of ten prompts for POEMS. I’m almost positive it was a meta-test, and if you complete it, they know you’re insane. I took ten minutes and banged out some answers anyway.
INSTRUCTIONS Please only take 3-5 minutes on each prompt. This will demonstrate your ability to write on the spot.
PROMPTS 1. Use the following words in a poem of any style: forest, needle, eat, closet, match. 2. Open the nearest book and pick a sentence from the middle of the page. From this sentence, write a poem in any style. 3. Write a haiku from the perspective of a cloud. 4. Write an acrostic poem for the name Annabelle. (Yes, just like in elementary school!) 5. Use the following words in a poem of any style: exquisite, visit, glisten. 6. Write a poem about the color turquoise, but never mention the color itself. 7. Write a poem where one of the four seasons is personified. 8. Write a poem about a particular toy you had as a child. 9. Write a poem in the form of a shopping list, a horoscope, or a recipe. 10. Write a poem about three wishes.
MY RESPONSES
1. Use the following words in a poem of any style: forest, needle, eat, closet, match.
Forest don’t got The needle don’t got The closet don’t got This don’t match what a sane person would do to audition for this writing assignment
2. Open the nearest book and pick a sentence from the middle of the page. From this sentence, write a poem in any style.
Wham Bam All up in this jam
3. Write a haiku from the perspective of a cloud. What they do down there Me I’m up above it now Why watch cloud deadline
4. Write an acrostic poem for the name Annabelle. (Yes, just like in elementary school!)
An’ I want N’ I need N’ I love Animal By Def Leppard Established 1977 Livin’ Lovin’ Elle, Annab is just a woman
5. Use the following words in a poem of any style: exquisite, visit, glisten.
Glistening, visiting, existing, exquisite Not for nothing Is she king
6. Write a poem about the color turquoise, but never mention the color itself.
The color is greenish Or maybe blue What is the color I never knew
7. Write a poem where one of the four seasons is personified.
Summer be illin’ But I be chillin’ Here in my A.C.*
* Air conditioning
8. Write a poem about a particular toy you had as a child.
Batman was my favorite doll A memory from me to you I meant action figure If you say I played with dolls I will sue
9. Write a poem in the form of a shopping list, a horoscope, or a recipe.
There’s no way I could match or top “Danzig’s Grocery List,” in which Forest Gabbitch wrote, “Box of Saltines / Can of Sardines”
10. Write a poem about three wishes.
First wish made it wrong Second made it worse Third sent it back Monkey paw, yo
What can I do for you?
Here, friends, is my super power:
I can create an entire book — a good one — quickly, with very little help.
You want a book with your name on it. I can make that happen.
Maybe you typed up a draft, and you’re not sure where to go next.
I can take it from here.
And anything smaller than that will be cheaper and faster.
Get on the schedule while you can.
Following are more details about me and my work.
Follow are links to different things D.X. Ferris makes & does.
I am D.X. Ferris.
I grew up obsessed with music and reading. I went to school for writing. At the time, I thought I couldn’t create things. I didn’t know it yet, but I was wrong. I tried to quit. Writing wouldn’t let me. It kept pulling me back in.
Once I figured out how to do what I wanted to do, I made up for lost time. Now I’ve covered a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction for Rolling Stone. I endured a career-ending injury. I’ve been to the Pentagon on business. I’ve written books with & about some of my iconic heroes. Communication is my business, and business is good.
I do a lot of different things.
I am an award-winning writer, editor, manager, publisher, teacher, speaker, cartoonist, maker, co-author, ghost writer, and overall communications professional. To me, those various & sundry processes are all part of the same sphere — and here’s the common thread: Communication is the art of organizing information. That, friend, is what I do. I can do it for you. And we can make some money together.
I have written/co-written nine books. My personal record is four new books in 16 months.
I cut my teeth as a rock & roll journalist. Then I successfully transitioned to hard news. Lately, I’ve been creating motivational literature and self-help books. I write very effective press releases & promo material. I write & storyboard short videos. I’m writer for a documentary I can’t talk about yet.
I get around. I teach college. My CV includes work for dozens of publications, including Rolling Stone and Alternative Press (America’s two top rock & culture magazines). I’ve also written for leading outlets such as The A.V. Club and Decibel. I write and stage communication seminars.
I have been to the Pentagon and National Air & Space Museum on business. I have been backstage at the Vans Warped Tour on business. My body of work includes book-length oral histories.
I have collaborated with certified Grand Masters, civilians, and high-profile musical & Hollywood creative types. I have had Almost Famous moments on the side of the stage at European festivals. I wake up so early it hurts. I make money for my partners.
I am a 33 1/3 author. An Ohio Society of Professional Journalists Reporter of the Year. And a third-degree black belt (in Taekwondo). Also a 32° two-time WM/PM.
Let’s do some good work — and then let’s do some good with what comes from it.
Click the following links for my…
Good Professional Wrestling: Full Contact Life Lessons From the Pinnacle Performance Art The Good Advice From… series is now officially a franchise. Volume II features a foreword by Diamond Dallas Page, motivational icon, founder of health & wellness movement DDP Yoga, and WWE Hall of Famer. Professional wrestling is the toughest business. It is a form of competition built on collaboration and cooperation. Every successful wrestler has a diverse skill set that can help you get over too, no matter what your business or lifestyle. Filled with short chapters and useful advice, this browsable motivational manual features inspirational quotes from dozens of wrestling icons. Each is followed by easy-to-read analysis and actionable tips that can turn a life around.
I collaborated with Darren Paltrowitz on this one-of-a-kind positivity handbook. It breaks down the habits, skills, and strategies that your favorite superstars practice — and you can too, starting today.
Good Advice From Goodfellas: Positive Life Lessons from the Best Mob Movie It’s the last — or maybe first — motivational manual and self-help guide you’ll ever need. 320 pages, paperback; Kindle ebook also available, cheap. At 145 short chapters, it’s the perfect airport/travel book. This unique meditation & reading finds teachable moments in all your favorite and quotes and scenes from this beloved, seminal movie. If you know what to look for, Goodfellas covers all the same evergreen topics as your favorite business podcasts and startup seminars… but it’s a lot more fun. No, seriously.
Wrote the official book with Donnie Iris and the Cruisers For my money, Donnie Iris & the Cruisers are the best-kept secret from 80s rock radio. That had not one, but seven hot 100 hits. The bandleader/songer penned an enduring disco hit. AND he worked with three Rock Hall of Fame artists. The band have a continuous near-40-year run. During this epic tale, they work with a young Trent Reznor, Kiss, Breathless, Cinderella, Sam Kinison, Gamble & Huff, the Jaggerz, Wolfman Jack, and bunch of others. The book is a painstakingly researched oral history that plays like a mix of the four-hour Tom Petty documentary, the movie That Thing You Do!, and the American Hardcore book. Coffee-table book, 464 pages, 102 images, 308 endnotes, 8.5x11″.
I think this piece about Cleveland’s LeBron James banner won me the Ohio Society of Professional Journalists’ Best Reporter award: Literally the entire city was looking at an iconic, massive piece of public art/advertising — and I was the one person who looked behind the scenes. For alt-weekly Cleveland Scene.
This kind of piece is a specialty. For Alternative Press, I interviewed an infamous punk musician about his friendship with the late, great Anthony Bourdain. I supplied many conversation prompts, transcribed it, then edited his answers into one continuous narrative, while I remained invisible in the piece. If it looks like I didn’t do much, then that was the entire point.
While the rest of the rock-journalism world were writing SOPA stories (Summarizing Other People’s Articles) about a developing story, I dug deep, excavated some court records, and wrote an informed summary. For Metal Sucks — for my money, the best metal news & views site.
Cover story/feature profile of the president of a local university — and how his work has helped shape the city. It’s pretty whitebread and dry, but I can work in that style when I’m not writing about raging hellions. For Cleveland Magazine, the city’s upstanding guide to what’s happening and who’s doing it.
Christmas Sevenfold: Metal Dad, Compendium Two My second comic-strip compilation collects seven years of Christmas & fall holiday stripes, with new art, a foreword, and an essay about why the kind of guy who wrote two books about Slayer still loves Xmas. 180 pages, oversized 8.5 x 11″ paperback.
Suburban Metal Dad, Compendium One: Raging Bullshit. The first compilation book for my webcomic. It collects Years III and IV of the comic, with 172 strips, 8 previously unreleased demo strips, an updated FAQ, and a true-life, all-text real-life metal dad story (so there’s something to really read). 180 pages, oversized 8.5 x 11″ paperback.
Tweet too much, but it’s healthier than taking cigarette breaks.
The Pentagrammarian: I take note of writing, grammar, usage, and the business thereof. I am one of very few professional writers who can list the four parts of a well-rounded profile or break down the constituent parts of a sentence, in correct technical grammar terms.
The goat had it comin’. I swear.
Powerhouse Hughes on Wrestling Motivational Book
Longtime wrestler and columnist Bill “Powerhouse” Hughes wrote about Good Advice From Professional Wrestling in his weekly column.
Hughes is the mastermind behind the Championship Wrestling Federation. Ferris designed its print program for two years before he was dragged out of Pittsburgh, kicking and screaming. If you looked close, you saw Powerhouse on some WWF Pittsburgh tapings back in the day.
6623 Press’ newest book, Good Advice From Professional Wrestling, is off to a good start. Co-authors Positive Darren Paltrowitz and D.X. “The Best Man” Ferris are 6623′s reigning heavyweight tag team champions. The book runs 160 pages and clocks in at 51 short, readable chapters. Each and every one is a pocket-sized can of inspiration and education. Need some good vibes to get through the day? Ask yourself: What Would Batista Do? Check it out here…
Comin’ up with a list of my favorite summertime albums, maybe bands.
Fun Lovin’ Criminals, #1.
Sublime, #2.
#3 Beach House, Crazy for you.
#4 Blackalicous, Nia.
#5, Beastie Boys instrumental comp, In Sound From Way Out, but really I made an expanded version.
#6, Terrrence Blanchard, A Tale Of God’s Will (A Requiem For Katrina)
#7 Marvin Gaye, Trouble Man
#8 Sinatra
My Favorite 10 (ish) Albums
Without overthinking it, my fav ten albums, all in one spot.
Kinda surprised that Non-Prophets is the only rap album, and it’s up that high, so while PE’s Nation of Millions and BDP’s Necessary and The Chronic are probably my fav hip-hop albums, Sage is the one I reach for more these days.
NEW BOOK BY ME
“THE STORY OF DONNIE IRIS AND THE CRUISERS”
AN OFFICIAL ROCK BIOGRAPHY BY D.X. FERRIS
SIMPLE TITLE. LONG STORY. TOTALLY UNDERRATED BAND. SERIOUSLY.
“Donnie Iris and the Cruisers were always clever dudes who made great records and had great, great songs. It was a working man’s rock band with undeniable hooks and melodies.” — Jason Pettigrew, editor-in-chief, Alternative Press
DONNIE IRIS AND THE CRUISERS is one of those bands. Every cool city has one: Tommy Conwell in Philadelphia. Southside Johnny in Jersey. Mother’s Finest in Atlanta. The Nighthawks in DC. Willie Nile in Buffalo. Michael Stanley in Cleveland. They’re beloved in their home town. But three hours away, they’re obscure, possibly unknown. The Cruisers is one of those bands. But none of those bands has a career — or story — like Donnie and the Cruisers.
The Cruisers are the best-kept secret from the early ’80s golden age of FM radio, when a band suspended between classic rock, album-oriented rock, and new wave was at home on the airwaves next to the Police, Elvis Costello and Van Halen. Donnie is best known for his string of MCA/Carousel Records albums, which are best remembered for his signature song, “Ah! Leah!”
Music snobs will look at the video, snicker, and dismiss him as a one-hit wonder; in fact, the band had three Top 40 hits and seven Hot 100 singles, including the MTV hit “Love Is Like a Rock.” But there’s more to the story, before and after.
Iconic in Pittsburgh and beloved in Cleveland, Donnie Iris has a career that spans over 50 years in the show-business middle class. He was a singer before the Beatles, but the ’60s baby-boomer rock explosion led to his first big group, the Jaggerz.
The Jaggerz recorded an album with Gamble and Huff, but only graduated from colleges and supper clubs to arenas after the breakout success of their single hit, “The Rapper,” a novelty song that went to No. 1 (Record World) and No. 2 (Billboard) witha push from Kama Sutra/Buddha Records. That was Donnie’s last hit for a full decade, though.
Donnie stayed in the game. Hungry for a gig, he signed on to play with a fading Wild Cherry, who were coming down from the smash hit “Play That Funky Music.” In Wild Cherry, Donnie met keyboardist Mark Avsec, a multi-talented Cleveland up-and-comer who cut his teeth with Jonah Koslen’s Breathless. The two liked each other, so they drafted a band, hit the studio, and recorded the 1980 album Back on the Streets, which launched “Ah! Leah!” on to the Billboard charts.
What follows — as documented in this painstakingly researched oral history and official band bio — is a winding story that plays like a cross between the four-hour Tom Petty & Grateful Dead documentaries and beloved music movie That Thing You Do!: The Cruisers score a record deal (sort of). They make some albums. The have more hit singles than most bands. When the hits stop coming, Donnie faces some difficult decisions.
The Cruisers splinter, refocus, reform, reunite, and get day jobs — Donnie as a mortgage broker, Mark as an internationally respected attorney, Kevin Valentine as drummer for bands including Kiss. But they never break up. And when their career hits a commercial low, Donnie’s hometown rediscovers the band.
The Cruisers kept gigging and recording, selling out county fairs (for a while), then finding their footing in sold-out clubs and theaters. (Donnie celebrates his 75th birthday in February, with two sold-out concerts in Greensburg’s 1600-seat Palace Theater, and a third about to go on sale). Unbeknownst to many fans, they continued scoring impressive musical credits: Bandleader/co-songwriter Mark Avsec played with Joe Walsh in James Gang reunions and wrote tunes for two Rock & Roll Hall of Fame acts (Bon Jovi and Carlos Santana). After a stint playing with comedian Sam Kinison’s band, Valentine’s experience producing led to sound mixing in top-tier TV shows like The Good Wife, Legion and Better Call Saul. And the band keep on playing. And it’s good.
Features colorful, never-before-told scenes from days of yesteryear, from the Jaggerz’ supper-club showband era to the Cruisers’ arena-rocking glory years opening for Ted Nugent, Hall & Oates, and Loverboy. Lots of Pittsburgh & Cleveland stuff.
It’s big and long, but accessible and illustrated: 75 chapters are fully indexed, easy to read, and packed with vintage and newly discovered photos by veterans Anastasios Pantsios and Richard Kelly. Design by Cruisers guitars Marty Lee Hoenes.
Foreword by Pittsburgh hero Jim Krenn, who featured Donnie in landmark skits on WDVE’s DVE Morning Show, which are recounted in one of the longer chapters. The band, friends, witnesses, critics and fans recount how it all happened and what it means.
Ferris is an Ohio Society of Professional Journalists Reporter of the Year. He writing credits include Rolling Stone, The AV Club, Alternative Press, Decibel, and Cleveland Scene. This is his sixth book. Previous volumes include two about Slayer, one of which is part of the prestigious 33 1/3 series. He’s a Pittsburgh native who worked in Cleveland, so he knows his ish. He has a lot to say about Donnie, rock journalism, metal, natural xylitol gum, independent publishing, and good music to listen to while you write.
105 photos and images • full index • ISBN 978-0-692-99746-8 (paperback) • Music/Biography
Some of my Favorite 80s Non-Metal Music
This started as a list of five of my favorite 80s pop albums, and it got out of hand. I mean, where do you draw the line between “pop” and “popular”?!
Billy Idol, Duran Duran, and “Luka” get their own category.
BILLBOARD HOT 100 ROCK
Journey “Don’t Stop Believin’ ”
INXS “Don’t Change the Earth”
Donnie Iris “Ah! Leah!”
Simple Minds “Don’t You Forget About Me”
Huey Lewis “Heart and Soul”
120 MINUTES/COLLEGE ROCK
Sigue Sigue Sputnik “Love Missle F1-11”
March Violets “Turn to the Sky”
New Order, “True Faith”
Belfegore “All That I Wanted”
Husker Du “Don’t Wanna Know”
Church, “Under the Milky Way”
SLOW JAMS
Spandau Ballet “True”
Madonna “Crazy For You”
Thompson Twins “Hold Me Now”
Crue, “Without You”
Cyndi Lauper “Time After Time”
RAD WOMEN
Lita Ford “Kiss Me Deadly”
Bonnie Tyler “Total Eclipse of the Heart”
Fuzzbox “Love is the Slug”
Madonna “Live to Tell”
Pretenders “Back on the Chain Gang”
Tina Turner “What’s Love Got to Do With It”
ONE HIT ONEDERS
Outfield “Your Love”
Buckner & Garcia “Pac Man Fever”
Frida, “Something Going on”
Devo, “Whip It”
Big Country, “In a Big Country”
Dream Academy “Life in a Northern Town”
ROCK ASSED ROCK
Blue Oyster Cult “Burnin’ for You”
Leppard, any Pyromania single but I’ll go with “Photograph”
Bon Jovi, “In & Out of Love”
Red Rider, “Lunatic Fringe”
38 Special, “What If I’d Been the One?”
GERMANS
After the Fire, “Don’t Turn Around”
Nena, “99 Luftballoons”
Falco, “Rock Me Amadeus”
Scorpions, “No One Like You”
Tom Schilling, “Major Tom”
Helloween, “I Want Out”
ADULT CONTEMPORARY
Chris Cross “The Best That You Can Do (Arthur’s Theme)”
Alan Parsons Project, “Don’t Answer Me”
Glorian Estefan, “Don’t Wanna Lose You Now”
Dan Fogelberg, “Same Old Lang Syne”
Sheena Easton, “For Your Eyes Only”
Grayson Hugh “Talk It Over”
MADONNA
“Live to Tell”
“Crazy for You”
“Holiday”
“Lucky Star”
“Like a Virgin”
FICTIONAL MOVIE BANDS
Craig Wedren F. Amy Miles “Heart Attack Love”
Eddie & the Cruisers “Season in Hell (Fire Suite)”
Spinal Tap “Hell Hole”
Barbusters, “Light of Day”
Cherry Bomb, “Howard the Duck”
NOT WHITE PEOPLE
Dazz Band, “Let It Whip”
Public Enemy “Bring the Noise”
LL Cool J, “Goin’ Back to Cali”
BDP “My Philosophy”
Everything Yo! MTV Raps played
But hip-hop ain’t really pop
Not gonna lie: I didn’t like Prince at the time, but do now.
FAV OVERALL80s-ASSED TUNES
Spandau Ballet “True”
March Violets “Turn to the Sky”
Fuzzbox “Love is the Slug”
Belfegore “All That I Wanted”
INXS “Don’t Change”
That’s it for now; don’t get me started…
WELL AWAITS: SLAYER WORKOUT/YOGA MIX
^^ Image from unrelated article, which is a good read.
Hey, listeners. It’s your pal Ferris here. I dropped 40 pounds over the last year* by doing cardio yoga — specifically,DDP Yoga, which is a great low-impact workout. Unlike every other workout I’ve ever done**, at the end of it, I feel charged up, not drained and sore. It’s good, and it’s good for you.
* And, knock on wood, I’m keeping it off.
** I put on all my size doing pushups, and I’m a black belt (Taekwondo).
Granted: sometimes the long workouts can feel… long. So here’s a special soundtrack to make the time fly and get your blood pumping.
My playlist “Slaytanic Yoga: Well Awaits” runs about 65 minutes, and it cycles through a dynamic range:
- 10 minute warmup - 10 minutes moderately quick - 5 minutes hella fast- 5 minutes moderate - 5 minutes hella fast - 6 minutes on the light side of moderate - 5 minutes cooldown - 4 minutes intense - 10 on the light side of moderate - 5 minutes cooldown
Consult your doctor before thrashing like a beast.
Long story short, just do what the music dictates. If it’s fast, go fast. If it speeds up, go faster. If it’s slow, go slow. (If you’re doing DDP Yoga, this mix fits with the Double Black Diamond workout; or do Mixtape twice.
Be well. As Ian MacKaye said, “Thanks a lot, friends!” Enjoy.
CHRISTMAS CORNUCOPIA OF CARTOONS & PODCASTS & A CAROL & OTHER CRAP. SOMETHING FOR EVERYBODY:
Here’s a bunch of Christmas stuff I was gonna tweet about, centralized. Scan the list, and you’ll find something to induce/enhance your Xmas spirit, guaranteed, no matter what your tastes & mood are. Holiday entertainment, a dozen options, in four sections:
PART I: CHRISTMAS PODCASTS
Here’s four Christmas podcasts, some informational, some NSFW, some suitable & appropriate for family listening.
Christmas scholar Joanna Wilson discusses her favorite Xmage showz on the TV Guidance Counselor Christmas podcast episode:
Gilbert Gottfried welcomes the hyper Christmas superfan Mario Cantone, and they reflect & reenact on some holiday classics & obscurities, movie and TV, including the Rankin-Bass specials. NOT for family listening, but infectious and sincere. This is also a two-parter; part 2 covers Xmas novelty songs:
The awesome Charlie Brown podcast The Peanuts Gallery discusses A Charlie Brown Christmas and two excellent stage adaptations of it. Man, i wish I coulda seen these. I love this show. Maybe one day:
PART II: RAYMOND BRIGGS’ MELANCHOLY CHRISTMAS CARTOONS
Raymond Briggs is a brilliant writer/artist. He first came to my attention with one of my favorite picture books, The Elephant and the Bad Baby (find a hardcover copy if you can; the colors pop so much more than the recent paperback printings.
Anyhow, Briggs is probably best known for the UK Xmas phenomenon The Snowman. The color and artwork is some of my favorite visual material ever, both the book and the TV adaptation. Here’s the cartoon, which exists in three versions.
I just learned there’s also a sequel. If you thought the first one was a downer, don’t come near this with a thirty-foot North pole. I’d list the title, but it might suck you into watching it:
His Father Christmas special isn’t nearly such a bummer. Santa poops, goes to France, and poops a lot more. This is probably where Christmas Vacation’s “The shitter’s full!” came from:
My annual Christmas music mix. This year is “DXmas 22: Murray Christmas, Everybody.” The Spotify edit features classics, standards, and offbeat holiday tunes, some of which are featured in Bill Murrary’s perfect Netflix variety special A Very Murray Christmas:
The Donnie Iris & the Cruisers Christmas album is the Sgt. Pepper of holiday music. It is a true tour-de-force of favorites & obscure nuggets. Accept it into your heart:
Here’s my Christmas/holidays comic strip story arc for 2016. The site is having some technical problems right now, so if you click this after December 2016, you might get different strips:
Suburban Metal Dad starts every Christmas season cursing loudly. And by the end of it, sometimes he chills or submits.
